an impromptu counseling guide

Dear Readers,

In the past few months theokwek has learnt a thing or two about counselling, and here are some of the things he's picked up, in an essay of sorts.

the light bounces off the waves

in reflections glimmering over, under, amidst water

memories of brighter moments.

The Straight Times Editor

Counselling

I’d always known that being a good musician entailed being a good listener. And being a good listener, in turn, would encompass being a good counselor. But it’s only in the past few months that I’ve started to listen to people – rather than just hearing them – and pitching in to help if they need a shoulder (even a virtual one) to cry on.

Throughout this time of working with people, making new best-friendships and understanding perhaps a jot more about how the human psyche works, I’ve learnt much more from these confidants than any comfort they might have gotten for me, and for this I’m eternally indebted to them. Here are some of the tips I’ve picked up along the way – little rules and regulations of listening that I’ve garnered, both through the soft and hard ways.

First, as is important in a musician’s life, observation can never be forgotten. So many of us, in school-ensembles or otherwise, would have (possibly painful) experiences of learning to look up at the conductor, and coming in synchronized with his every move. Listening is no different – oftentimes that deceptively simple act demands your full attention, and one can only say the right things if you follow the other’s every gesture. Each emoticon, punctuation mark (or lack of), and every lingering pause cannot be left unturned.

But each detail can only be well interpreted if one understands the character of his confidant. This crucial second step can be achieved by, of course, knowing your confidant as a friend. But you can also find out why people do what by asking their friends – informally and casually, of course – or acquainting yourself with what most people who are like that do. Definitely, everybody’s different, but having some predictable responses at the back of your hand comes in handy.

Before you start talking to your confidant, make sure you detach yourself from him – not in the sense of apathy, but just enough to respond to emotion with calmness and logic, or to conjure the appropriate emotions if need be. It is always helpful to establish right from the beginning that it is your confidant who is the confused one, and not you. Assume a position of security, and make it one that you can extend to your confidant.

And then, very importantly, but perhaps the most difficult to execute, don’t pretend to understand your confidant completely. In the previous paragraph I mentioned understanding how he – or she, which is just as often the case – acts, but that doesn’t include “climbing into his skin and walking around in it”. At first sight, it may seem useful to be able to take a few broad strides in anyone’s shoes. Our pride would also tell us that we in all our intelligence and empathy are most suited to knowing the other person inside out. But a closer look would show that this is impossible. Because we have all been created unique, your confidant would likely be hurt if you said that you knew perfectly how he felt. Especially if his current sentiment is that his pain is greater than the world can bear. Who are you to take it on and seemingly put it aside lightly?

Instead of donning the know-it-all coat, it’s always useful to humbly say you can never know exactly what the other person’s feeling. But at the same time, it’s also useful to add in your suggestions. This step should come after the others, so that your suggestion can come at a time when your confidant’s receptive, calm, and holding your opinion in respect. When offering suggestions, try to get your confidant to make his own moves and decisions – after all, you’ve already shown that you can’t understand him perfectly. Making his own choices would also spur your confidant to redeem self-respect, which can often be lost at the hands of emotion.

Finally – the most crucial step lies in what suggestions to offer. Your guiding principles would always be different from that of your confidant, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t common grounds for your advice. Look to the more straightforward concepts, such that your confidant can make his own decisions well. Basic principles like communication, friendship and optimism should be added in, and other bits of things you find around.

I can’t claim to have just written a textbook on counseling. But here are just a number of the things I’ve learnt from my confidants, lessons that I’ll probably use for decades yet. And definitely, as time goes by, I’ll still have much to learn – I just hope that when that time comes I’ll remember to post it here.